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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22520962">Precious little diamond</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatIfs/pseuds/WhatIfs'>WhatIfs</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Law &amp; Order: SVU</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 11:13:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,681</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22520962</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatIfs/pseuds/WhatIfs</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Post undiscovered country. Rafael Barba doesn't know what to do next and his mother is just trying to help him out. He later finds out something that's going to change his life forever.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Runaway Baby</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Ever since he resigned from the DA’s office, he’s been trying to relax. After his trial, Rafael didn’t know what to do with himself. He moved out of his Manhattan apartment, and moved back with his mother. There was too much memories he had in there, and he didn’t want to be alone in this difficult time. Rafael felt hopeless. He killed a child. He had no right to have done that, and yet he did it. He did it because of the guilt he would have to live with if he hadn’t done it. But the guilt he is feeling now within himself; was it even worth it?</p><p>He had enough money to take the well needed time off. In the span of a month, Rafael managed to finish his 8 novels that he had already started, but never finished. He also took the opportunity to take his mother and himself to Cuba to visit long-lost family members he hadn’t seen in decades. They both felt the sense of home during their 3 weeks visit of their homeland. After their visit, they came back to New York City and resumed back to their lives. His mother going back to her position as a teacher, while he stayed at home, still trying to figure things out. Rafael still remembers the day. I mean how couldn't he?</p><p>He remembers getting calls from Olivia almost everyday after the trial to see how he’s doing. She’s been trying to get him to come back, but nothing would change his mind. It was up and done with.Their final conversation they had, Rafael told Olivia to speak on his behalf to the other members of the squad.</p><p>“Tell them that it’s been an honor working with them for the past 6 years and that I wish them all the best within their careers with the NYPD. Also to find some happiness, light and love in their life that isn’t work.”</p><p>“Why don’t you come in and tell them yourself Rafa? For closure” Olivia said.</p><p>“They don’t look at me the same as before. I’m a murderer, Liv. They don’t want to speak to a murderer.”</p><p>“They don’t thin-</p><p>“Please Liv, it’s for the best. I don’t need to see another disappointing face, let alone 3 more.” Rafael said, his voice cracking a bit “Do this last thing for me.”</p><p>“Okay” Olivia said. She was about to say something else, but Rafael felt it coming and quickly jumped in saying, “I wish you all the happiness in the world, Liv. For you, for Noah; you deserve to be happy. I’m going to try and my own path to happiness. After all that’s happened, my light in the dark has faded quickly once again, and I’m I need of something new.”</p><p>Olivia hears a sniff on the other line.</p><p>“Take Care Liv.” Rafael said, and hung up.</p><p>And that was it, leaving Liv on the other line. The next day after that conversation were nothing but phone calls from the SVU precinct. Liv called a few more times the next day, but eventually gave up. Rollins called every morning at 10am for the next 3 days, and then gave up. Finn sent him a text message wishing him good luck with his future endeavors. And then there was Carisi. To Rafael’s surprise, Carisi tries to call him everyday after his &amp; Liv’s phone call, and then after one week of trying, he stopped. Barba received a final text message from Carisi number saying, “Take Care of yourself Rafael.” And that was it.</p><p>Barba had to admit that he had a soft spot for Carisi. Ever since he laid eyes on him, he knew he was going to be an easy target to shoot at. Seeing Carisi so eager to learn new things, volunteering to do the hard work, staying after hours to complete files &amp; files of paperwork; it was a bit of a turn on for Rafael. Let alone Rafael found him cute, that was the icing on the cake for him. Barba's failed attempts of flirting with him, otherwise known as being shady, calling him names and just being bluntly rude was all for seeing Carisi's facial reaction. It was something he planned out, looked forward to, and gave him a big smile on his face (of course only when no one else was looking). </p><p>If he was being honest, he was <em>always</em> looking forward to seeing Carisi. Whether that was purposely going to the precinct for something minor, or asking Liv to send a detective to bring over some unnecessary files because he knew that Carisi would be the one to volunteer. Rafael didn't make it a habit, but it was something fun to do.</p><p>But all of that is over now all because of the choices that Rafael made. </p><p>During their vacation back home, his mother recommended that he see a professional. She couldn't bare to see her son be depressed once they arrive back to New York. To Lucia's luck, he agreed.  After Lucia and Rafael returned back from a well-needed vacation from Cuba, Rafael made an appointment with a psychiatrist that his mother recommended, Dr. Fernando Cruz. Lucia met him at the annual Bronx Elementary school conference she attended, and recommended her son to him. He gladly accepted and was looking forward to meeting with Rafael. </p><p>And that's the situation he's in now. Waiting at the office of Dr. Cruz for his 11am appointment. A month after his resignation from his dream job. He's never been through something like this, and somewhere deep inside his body, Rafael was nervous as hell. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Back to You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Rafael has his session with Dr. Fernando Cruz. He recalls several memories that he's finding hard to forget.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The older man smiled, “Hi I’m Dr. Cruz. But you can call me Fernando. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you”</p>
<p>“Rafael Barba. This is actually my first time doing something like this, so I’m kind of nervous.”</p>
<p>Rafael Barba being nervous? He’s been in-front of several judges who have glances that have been given personally from Satan. He can handle an hour with a random guy…. Right?</p>
<p>“You have no reason to be nervous Rafael. This is a safe environment; I can promise you that.”</p>
<p>Well that was nice to hear.</p>
<p>“Why don’t you follow me, and we can get started.”</p>
<p>Rafael followed him inside his office. When he entered, it was exactly everything he pictured. An office chair, a couch, a table with candies, tissue boxes, a garbage can filled with used up tissues, the whole "therapy package."</p>
<p>Both men sit down on their assigned chairs and get comfy. Once comfort reached the both of them, Dr. Cruz speaks first,</p>
<p>“So, Rafael, tell me about yourself and tell me why you’ve decided to come here today.”</p>
<p>Alright let’s do this.</p>
<p>Rafael told Fernando about working for New York’s DA’s office for the past 21 years of his life; he mentioned what his job as an Assistant District Attorney. He also told Fernando about his vacation &amp; family members back home, his relationship with his mother, and his former co-workers. The whole story personal story. </p>
<p>After explaining his old life, Rafael took a deep breath and said the words he's been dreading to say. </p>
<p>“I used to feel something before. But now I just don’t know how to. I thought moving back with my mother would help resolve this emptiness, but it doesn't unfortunately. You know, I get up from bed, have a coffee, read the paper, read my books, watch the television for the most part of my days recently, but there's just absolutely nothing in me. Like I still have the urge to help others, and my mother has been helping me with that, sometimes I volunteer at my mother’s school, and that usually takes my mind off things for a few hours, but then it’s back to my new normal once I get home.” Rafael pauses for a second. “The moments where it’s quiet and I’m all alone. It hurts.”</p>
<p>Dr. Cruz gives him a weak smile. “Well have you tried getting yourself out there. Nothing too extreme. Volunteering is a good start, but let’s expand on that. You could maybe try joining clubs around your area, or even simply hanging out with friends or your old colleagues.” Dr. Cruz gave him a small smile. “Maybe going on a date. Your mother tells me that your love life hasn’t been the luckiest for the past years.”</p>
<p>Rafael thinks about that for a second. He usually doesn’t talk to his mother about his personal life. Though his and his mother’s relationship is a close one, he still doesn’t feel the need to talk to her about that.</p>
<p>As Rafael is sitting there, he wonders why. She’s been there for every single thing that has happened to him, romantically. He recalls coming out to her when he finally came home from Harvard, bringing home his first boyfriend, which was also coincidentally his first heartbreak. His mother took care of him through the success, and the tear messes, so why wouldn’t Rafael be comfortable talking about his love life with his mother? As he got thinking, he found the answer as that memory progresses. </p>
<p>He remembers something recently. Rafael remembers the moment where he <em>almost</em> went on a serious date.</p>
<p>
  <em>Flashback to 5 months ago</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“That’s the last of the files, at least to my knowledge. Lieu always has them all over her office and she always forgets one.”  He pauses and stares at him. "Which is why I’m always here, if you’re curious.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Well I don’t mind that you always swing by. At least when you come by, I can always bug you to get me a coffee. You’re the only person who actually get’s one for me. Well, Carmen too, but she gets paid to do so.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“I’m just trying to get on your good side counselor.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"You do not want to get on my good side. It’s better to stay on the dark side.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>The man in front of him pauses, and then smiles.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“What?” Rafael says </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>The man in front of him tries to get words out of his mouth, but stutters and then pauses. Rafael is looking at him intensely, but then he finally says, </em>
  <em>“Let me take you out. Breakfast, lunch, dinner – whatever you’re the most comfortable with. Let me get the chance to know you better”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Shocked with the question, Rafael sighs and says quickly, “Carisi, I don’t think this is a good id-</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Yes, it is. I think it’s a great idea. Probably the best idea I've ever had."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Rafael looked up from his desk. Carisi really wants this and he does as well. His head is telling him that this is all a mistake and that this isn’t supposed to happen. But his heart is beating so fast, and he suddenly feels like he’s turning red. The heart wants what the heart wants. He deserves this. He deserves to be happy, and that’s exactly what’s standing in front of him. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“C’mon Barba.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Oh hell. Why the hell not. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>As emotionless as it can be, Rafael says, “I’m off Saturday morning” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Perfect. I’ll pick you up at 10am. I know the perfect breakfast place that you will love. Lunch is also on the table if breakfast goes well.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Rafael smiles, “I’m looking forward to it, detective.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Dinner too. I know the best Italian chefs in Manhattan. I mean only if you're into Italian food, you don't have to be. We can go somewhere else, something you like. Or we can go to a bar even. There's just-</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Anywhere is fine, Carisi. It's the company that matters, right?"</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Carisi blushes at the comment. "I'm holding you to that, counselor."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>With that, Carisi left his office with the biggest smile on his face. On the other hand, Rafael too had the biggest grin he ever had. Maybe he did deserve happiness after all.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Rafael?”</p>
<p>Rafael shook his head, and looked up “Yes sorry, what were you saying?”</p>
<p>“You were thinking. What’s going through your head right now?”</p>
<p>Rafael let out a huge breath and paused.  “My mother’s right, I do have a curse when it comes to dating.”</p>
<p>“How so?” Fernando sounding confused.</p>
<p>“I just overthink things. And because of the overthinking, I’ve never really had a serious relationship, like ever. I just think the person is better off without me and that they deserve to have someone who can love them as much they need to be loved."</p>
<p>“Well why don’t you try opening yourself up? What’s the worst that it can do?”</p>
<p>Rafael pauses. He wouldn’t know. He doesn’t open up to anyone.</p>
<p>“I don’t know.” He simply replies.</p>
<p>Dr. Cruz stares him. He gives a sigh of defeat and mentions the conclusion of that conversational topic.</p>
<p>“Well like I said, small steps. Let’s move on from that. With the given situation you’re at, joining something you have interest in is something to consider. You mentioned catching up on your reading the past month – why don’t you join a book club? The Manhattan Public Library has a biweekly meeting at the Oak building. Why don’t you go there tomorrow and look at their bulletin board? I always find something interesting on there."</p>
<p>“Yeah, I’ll look into that. My mother mentions something similar like that, so yeah I will”</p>
<p>“But that’s just a suggestion Rafael. Do things at your pace. Whenever you feel ready to start. Whenever you start feeling yourself again.”</p>
<p>Rafael smirks at the older man. “Well that’s why I’m here doctor. I don’t ever think I’m going to feel the same way I did before this whole mess.”  </p>
<p>Dr. Cruz sees that Rafael still has so much more to process. He doesn't believe that Rafael will open up anymore in this session due to seeing him distracted and fiddling with his fingers. He gets up from his chair.</p>
<p>“Well that’s what I keep saying Rafael, baby steps. Small, baby steps.” Dr. Cruz walks toward the curtains, opens them up and cracks the window open. “It’s important that you help yourself. If you don’t help yourself, then you’re only going to get worse from here. Take it from me, a professional.”</p>
<p>Rafael looks at the opened window and takes a deep breath of the breeze that entered the room. He just stares at it for a minute. Dr. Cruz looks at him and notices a sense of relaxation in the room.</p>
<p>“I think we can conclude today’s session. This was a great start, I’m very impressed how far we came today.”</p>
<p>Rafael turns his head around, “Yes, I agree Dr. Cruz. I’m happy with how today went.”</p>
<p>Rafael gets up from the couch and starts to proceed to the door. “I must admit, telling this to someone else rather than just my mother is a big weight off my back, so I thank you for that.”</p>
<p>“That’s great to hear Rafael. It means I’m doing my job right.”</p>
<p>Both men laughed at the small comment. Dr. Cruz stops him before he opens the door. He gives Rafael a card with his next appointment written down on it. “Please call me if you have anything you want to speak about. My hours are very flexible, so please don’t hesitate.”</p>
<p>He gives him a small smile of acknowledgement. "Thank you, I will." Rafael shakes the Doctor's hand, and holds the handle of the door. </p>
<p>“Oh and Rafael”</p>
<p>He turns his head once more. “Nothing comes out of this room. Though your mother and I are friends, you have my full trust that nothing will be said to her without your consent.”</p>
<p>He nods his head, “Thank you, Doctor. I appreciate that very much.”</p>
<p>Finally opening the door, Rafael grabs his coat and exits Dr. Cruz’s office.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As Rafael leaves his first session with Dr. Cruz, he picks up food from his favorite Thai restaurant and heads home. During that process, he thinks about the session today. That wasn’t too bad, he thought. As Rafael sits alone at home once again, eating his lunch while the television plays in the background. His thoughts once again come alive. He didn’t get to relieve the second part of the Carisi memory.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>5 months earlier</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Sorry, I can’t tonight. I have a meeting I have to get ready for tomorrow.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Rafi, you honestly need to stop working overtime. I know you have a busy job and everything, but you need to have time for your own mot-</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“It’s not a work related.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"What is it then?”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Rafael stays silent. His mother can fill in the banks. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Lucia smiles on the other line, “You’re finally going on a date, aren’t you?”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Well, it’s not really a date. It’s just a meal where I get to know my colleague better.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Rafi, don’t act stupid with me. I didn’t raise you to be like this. This is good news, I’m so happy for you.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Rafael stays silent. This is too good to be true. His mother admitting that she’s happy for him. She’s has never approved any of his previous boyfriends, and all of a sudden, she’s supportive?  There’s a catch coming up, Rafael wonders. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Who is he?” His mother asks sternly. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“He’s actually one of the guys up at SVU. He works with Liv.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“He works with Lieutenant Benson?”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Yes, he’s one of the junior detectives”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Now it was Lucia’s turn to go silent. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Mami?” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Rafi, I don’t think that’s a good idea”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Mami, we’re not dating. We're just sharing a meal together, nothing serio-</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Yes, I know, I heard you Rafael but going out with someone whom you work so closely with is not good for your career.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“My career is fine; it’s been fine for the past 20 years. This isn’t going to ruin anything, Mami. I promise.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> “This isn’t going to go well. I know it. I’ve been through it, fought through it, and suffered through it. End it now. If you guys don't work out, there's going to be tension between the both of you. It's going to effect both of your working habits and it will cost you your job. It’s not worth your career Rafi."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>And there it is. Rafael knew his mother wouldn’t be all sunshine &amp; rainbows.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Please Rafael, think about it. For the long run."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Heartbroken, Rafael didn't know what to say to her. There were so many things going on in his head right now. But of course his mother ruins his train of thought. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Alright, I have to go Rafi. Please promise me that nothing is going to happen between you two."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Rafael doesn't respond to her. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"I'm just trying to look out for my son. This is for the best Rafael. Don't be angry at me, please"</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Yeah I know, I heard you the first time Mami." He said with a bit of attitude. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>"Ok, I'm just making sure. You're a smart man Rafi. You should know what's the best for yo- Oh, look! I see our neighbor Lorraine and her children. I'm going to ask them to dinner. </em>
  <em>Looks like I have a companion after all. I'll talk to you soon Raf, love you."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>And then she was gone. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Rafael stares at his phone. It's Friday night and he's suppose to be excited for his date with Carisi tomorrow. But that has all faded now. He doesn't know what to do. His mother has been his rock for his entire life, how could she say something like that to him? This was too much for him to handle. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Rafael looks through his case files as a distraction. He tries and tries, but barely makes through 10 minutes of it. His mother's remarks is what's taking over his head. Maybe she is right. I mean she’s been right about everything his entire life, what different is this situation. Rafael sighs, takes a sip of his scotch and picks up his phone. He opens his messages and starts to type something. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>
    <em>Rafael:</em>
  </strong>
  <em> I can’t do this, Carisi. This is a mistake. This is too soon. Sorry. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>He looks at it before sending it. This was a mistake. Carisi is better off without him. He sends the message and puts his phone down immediately. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Not even a minute later, he suddenly gets a call from Carisi. He hesitates for a second, but eventually answers the phone. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Rafael, you can’t be serious? I’m literally getting ready for our date tomorrow morning. I have the whole day planned out for us.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“I know, I’m sorry but I’m realizing that this is very unprofessional for us. It isn’t going to work out between us in the long run and I don’t want it to ruin our work relationship, which is much more important for the both of us. I’m sorry Carisi but I can’t do this with you.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“ The feelings I have for you, Rafael, I can't even put it into words because it's something so special I know it is. I also know that you have strong feelings for me as well, I know you do." Carisi pauses for a second. "Please, this could something beautiful for the both of us, I feel it in my gut, it's been there for a very long time. 
</em></p><p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Rafael does agree with him, with everything he said, but his mother is right. This can't be the reason that his career will fail. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Again, I apologize for taking this too far. Get some rest this weekend, I’ll see you next week."</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Rafael plea-</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Good night detective.” </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> And this time, Rafael hung up before Carisi could get any words out. </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>Rafael finishes his thoughts, along with his lunch. It was only 2 in the afternoon. As he cleans his dishes, he remembers Dr. Cruz mentioning the Manhattan Public Library's bulletin board. Small, baby steps he tells himself over &amp; over again. Small steps. He suddenly feels a cool breeze entering the living room of the house. Why not, Rafael thinks to himself.  Right after he cleaned up, Rafael made his way to the library with a little more hope in his mind. His heart wasn't ready for that just yet. </p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
  </div></div>
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